Sunday, May 10, 2009

Video Game Mothers

Mothers, what would we do without them? The women in our lives that are responsible for our very being. I think they don’t get the credit they deserve, and I absolutely hate it to see people disrespect their Mothers.

But, I’m not here to lecture you guys, I’m here to bring to your attention Mothers in Video Games.

We begin our romp with a look at a Mother that her children would be lost without.

Wrinkly Kong




Yes, Wrinkly Kong. The Mother of Donkey Kong, she debuted in Donkey Kong Country 2, and appeared in subsequent sequels. Her role was to provide the Kong family with hints and tips. Yes, the Kongs would be lost without her, which is why I’m placing her on this list.

On to a Mother I really, really hate.

Vanilla The Rabbit



First off…..WTF SEGA! We’re sick of your animal fetish. Also, stop giving video game characters suggestive names. Only One thing comes to mind when I think of Vanilla and Cream.
Moving on to—



One More thing…


FUCK CREAM THE RABBIT AND FUCK THE GUY WHO FUCKED THIS BITCH TO CREATE HER!
Now I’m really moving on to-


Mother



Yes, the infamous Mother. The Mother of all RPGs, The “Motherfucker! When are you releasing this game in America, Nintendo?” You catch my drift.
Mother (or Earthbound if you want to get pedantic about it) did for me what no RPG has done for me. It entertained me with what was JUST a turn-based battle system. The Universe is just so rich, funny and colorful; it deserves a spot on this list, even if it is just a really bad pun.


Princess Peach…



What? The Koopa kids have to come from somewhere don’t they?


Ash’s Mom



One must feel so sorry for Ash’s Mom. Her son left home, just 10 years old, and is forced to live in confinement with a Mr. Mime. It surprises me she hasn’t killed herself or at least gouged her eyes out looking at that ugly Son of a Bitch.
To think, the only other male in Pallet Town is a 60 year old Prof. with an animal fetish…

Mother Brain



It’s her goddamn name, ‘nuff said.

Samus



Intergalactic Bounty Hunter, savior of the galaxy and a Mother?

Yep, in Metroid II for the Gameboy, she rescued a baby Metroid, believed to be the last in existence. Afterwards in Super Metroid, the baby Metroid came back to save its mommy and fucked up Mother Brain in the process. Also she’s a MILF.


Every female Pokemon EVER



In every Pokemon game, there exists a daycare center, where you can breed your Pokemon. This daycare center is run by an Old man and his wife. Pokemon can’t breed anywhere else, apparently Pokemon are only comfortable hitting the sheets if an Old man is watching.


Rosalina



Self proclaimed Mother of the Stars. Ok, she obviously isn’t REALLY Mother to the stars. Their original Mom was an alcoholic and she would beat the Lumas profusely, and whore her female children on the streets (Cosmos?) Child services rightfully took all her children and placed them under the care of Rosalina. Hey, a gigantic ominous space being has to do SOMETHING with her life, doesn’t she?


That’s it for the Mother’s day special. Happy Mother’s day to everyone, and make your Mothers happy!!

And now a special song, by Mr. T…

6 comments:

TheAssailant6661 said...

You know that baby Metroid? I'm the daddy. :3

Also, I KNEW you were going to put that vid of Mr. T.

Piffman2 said...

I <3 this post

bob said...

I see your Mr. T video and raise with http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7Q6DGOfp6k

and assy's not funny.

TheAssailant6661 said...

But bob, it's the truth!

tehralphster said...

Lmfao, the suggestive names from Sega, that's completely true. Also, ever notice how the characters from sonic are bodily related?:
Tails..
Knuckles..
Shadow..

stan said...

Ha, love the post. and i love Mr. T, best song eva!